Kari Jobe’s new album came out this week, and there is a song entitled, ‘Find You On My Knees’ which has been my theme song through this time. With no voice and no physical strength, I have literally been in silence, been in absolute rest. Until my sweet husband comes home, then he sits real close to me as I try and talk to him whispering every word which are barely audible. He is so sweet and patient. Thank you Griffin for your care and love. In sickness and in health he loves me.

But what I have been seeking is  that through this season, however long it is, I want to learn something, I want to grow closer with my Abba Father. Clearly He wants my full attention, and doesn’t want me to talk at all. So I have been fervently reading His word, trying to be still, turn off the busyness of my mind and sitting in His presence.

I have been having devotionals like this:

There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music.  In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests.

Just as nature is bathed in dew, the Lord renews His people – Spiritual refreshment. Quietness and stillness bring the dew. This comes from quietly lingering in the Master’s presence. Absolute Rest.  And the grace of God does not come forth to bring rest and renewal to our soul until we completely reach the point of stillness before Him. – Streams in the Desert

He has revealed scriptures to me like this:

Psalm 46:1, “But He allows trouble to pursue us, as though He were indifferent to its’ overwhelming pressure, so we may be brought to the end of ourselves.”

1 Peter 5:10, “The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”

Luke 22:42, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”

Luke 8:48, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” (my favorite Bible story)

Mark 4:39, “Quiet! Be still.”

Job 34:29, “He giveth quietness.”

I am learning that “we are tempted to look at our joys, pleasures, passions, or our dreams, with too much self-satisfaction. Then through His gracious love He withdraws them, leading us to distinguish between them and Himself.”

You see I have been striving, asking, begging God to take me deeper with Him, reveal Himself to me in a fresh way. Why would I not think to get to that deeper level might bring some pain? That it might bring a dry time? It is so easy in a busy life to focus back on yourself. “Look at all the things I’m doing. Look how God is using me. etc.” But it still has nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with me. Praise him for allowing you and me to be used. Worship Him and be HUMBLED that He has given you certain gifts that no one else can use like you can.

In these moments where I have been quiet I here: Be still. Be present. Don’t look to the future, be right here. Be content. Be satisfied with Me. I hear Listen: to people, to your husband’s heart more, to the world’s hurts, to the beauty of creation, for My voice, for MY song…not your song.

And so for this I am thankful for this time of “sickness”. Because in this I am healed, I am restored, and I am refreshed by Jesus Christ.

With Love,

Heathery

John 10:4, “When He has brought out all His own, He goes on ahead of them.”

Lately I have been focusing on the characteristic of our Lord being our shepherd.  David writes, “He goes on ahead of us.” Psalm 23:2.  So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front.  - Streams in the Desert

As I have started this new year, I have been thinking of all the new things that could come. How long will we live in our condo? Maybe this is a year to start our family?? Will we start a new ministry or small group at our church? Will I finally leave this dry season and start writing worship songs? Just so many questions running through my head.  And none of these are making me anxious or worried, for I know that is not how the Lord wants us to live. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philipians 4:6.  But that is what I have come to realize that we as followers of Jesus Christ have to fully embrace. He is our SHEPHERD. He goes before us. So as we look forward into 2012, no matter what happens, the Lord has gone before us.  However, my thoughts have been filled with day dreaming and what ifs. This has in turn caused me to not focus on my present, on right where the Lord has me right now.  I have been so heavily convicted of this. I am reading Exodus, and there are many times when Moses hears from the Lord, and then he begins to doubt or question God.  He wonders is this really what is best? Am I fully capable of this?

“Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials He asks you to endure.  This is the  blessed life – not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.”

So my prayer is that you and I can both find solace in knowing that we need to follow our Shepherds sweet voice, and enjoy the exact present moment and season that He has us in. Because this is one that we will never experience again.

Quietly Walking,

Heathery

Oh and PS…

Happy 9 months my sweet husband. I love you forever.

I knew Jesus, and He was very precious to me, but I found something deep within me that would not stay pleasant, patient, and kind.  I did what I could to keep those traits suppressed, but they were still there.  Finally I sought Jesus for help, and when I gave Him my will, He came to my heart and removed everything that would not stay pleasant, patient, and kind.  And then He shut the door. George Fox

When I think of the word blameless I think of innocent, pure, clean, untarnished.  I picture a bride waiting to see her groom. Of course I think of where I was standing a little over 8 months ago.  This feeling deep inside you that this moment is pure, this day is untarnished with the busyness of life, anything ugly, and anyone’s problems. The world has stopped for us. This day is blameless.

This is something that I have been seeking and searching myself about.  A blameless life, a life that is brutally honest with the Lord about any insecurities, jealousies, flaws, and dislikes. These thoughts have come to me lately with realizing that life isn’t always what you assume it would be.  I have this problem of making up how I think things will go, how this job will work out, what college will be like, etc.  I have been doing this lately with the fact that I am now a grown up.  I was very very very very VERY ready to be married. There was truly nothing I wanted more in the world then to say “I Do” to Griffin, but I never knew how busy our lives were going to get!  I was ready for responsibilities with keeping up with a house, cooking, cleaning, all of that. But the busyness with a job, with pouring into other people, with being in the ministry. These are all incredible things that I am so blessed by and thankful for, however we seem to be in a season of non-stop crazyness.  And this in turn has brought out things in me that I don’t like, that I never knew I had.

I have seen that I need more patience, I want to be a woman of God that brings light and  joy into our home, my job and church, my family, and my husband.  I want to be a kind and gentle woman, that speaks words of living water, that is rooted in the Word.  I want to be able not be overwhelmed and in those moments, know that God is truly bigger and greater, and believe that with everything in me.

It says in 1 Thessalonians 5, “May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.  May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  I want to live a life like this, a blameless life. One that is sanctified purely to the core of who I am for Jesus, for the cause of Christ.

The only way to be sanctified is by spending time alone with our Father, talking to Him, praying to Him, worshipping Him in private and in public. I have seen the difference in my day when I start it with the Lord and when I don’t.  I pray that you will not let a day slip by that you don’t spend time with Him. Pray that we can have hearts that crave His love, and in turn we strive to live a blameless life.

In His Hands,

Heathery

Now he is at a new church, a big church, that has lots and lots of resources. I began to ask myself, “Now where do I fit in?” “What is my place?” “Where is my role?” I began to doubt (satan is really annoying) that my husband needed my help, that I was even wanted there. I started just to harbor frustration in my heart and lots of sin. But thankfully I came to the Lord with my burdens and He showed me…that this is NOT ABOUT ME!!

I know I have heard that all my life, “this life isnt about me, but what God does through me and all the glory goes to Him. Yea yea I got it I got it.” But have I ever really understood that? Have I ever really grasped that I need to deny myself? That this life isnt about me. It’s not about me playing soccer anymore, scoring goals, winning awards and people telling me Im good. No it is about me coaching girls, and trying to help them with their skills and reach their dreams. Its not about me playing music and playing shows in bars, coffee shops, house parties, etc, to try and get people to buy my cd, like my music, subscribe to me on youtube. No. It is about leading worship, singing songs to my amazing Jesus and being an example on the stage that I sing for an Audience of One and He deserves ALL the glory, ALL the praise, ALL the recognition. One of your greatest challenges will be to resist promoting yourself and trying to succeed on your own, then asking God to bless your efforts. God’s not interested in second-hand glory. He wants the credit for what He (not you) accomplishes in your life.

I must PICK UP MY CROSS! 1 Corinthians 15:31, Paul says, “I die daily.” DAILY. Not just once I make a stand, I put a stake in the ground to remember this moment, no…daily, every day, all through out my day. Romans 6:11, “Count yourselves dead to sin, but alive to God.” I truly am trying so hard to grasp this, and it is going to be a growing season of me understanding, my life is not my own, but truly about how God wants to use me for HIS GAIN, for HIS KINGDOM ADVANCEMENT.

I have also had a struggle lately with wanting a baby. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 months, and it is only natural to see babies and think wow one day we are going to have one!! But it has been hard seeing a lot of my friends be pregnant and they are starting that next stage in their lives. I started to question, “Well what about me?” “When are we going to start our family?” ME. WE. WHAT ABOUT ME? I was thinking so selfishly and jealousy was filling my heart, and I didnt even realize it. (sneaky satan) But the Lord has been clearly showing me that right now is not the time. And that is okay!  I have a chance to make an impact on the girls in our youth group, and if I was pregnant, my focus would not be on them but on the family that we are about to start. I only have this season of being the “hip, cool, young wife” for a few years . I will only be this age for so long, to help bridge that gap to truly be able to reach these girls, hopefully be an example, mentor, and role model to them. The Lord has entrusted me with this generation of girls. What am I going to do about it? Am I going to waste my time looking at other girls, being envious of where they are, jealous that they are pregnant?” Or am I going to start looking at what the Lord has blessed me with, stop being so restless, and enjoy this SEASON!

THIS SEASON!!!!!!! I will never get this time back of truly loving on and helping these young girls find their way, find themselves, and find there love in their Heavenly Father. But I want to be truly thankful and joyful for this season, for this time. And I want to be fully present. Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still and know that He has a plan, His timing is TRULY PERFECT. Trust Him with it.

I must FOLLOW HIM! Too often we take God’s presence for granted because He said He would never leave us. But He also said: ‘You did not choose me…I chose you’ John 15:16. It is not God’s job to follow you, it is your job to follow Him! When you do, it will cost you, change you, and challenge you. Sometimes you will go through valleys, other times you will stand with Him on the mountaintop. You must be willing to follow Him anywhere, any time, under any conditions; that is the deal! 

Those are my thoughts, my prayers, and my deep desires right now. I am thanking my God for a husband that loves me despite my flaws, my sin, and loves me always and takes the time everyday to listen to me, whether Im right or wrong. And I am thanking the Lord for showing me that He is not finished with me, I must remain in the fire to be molded and changed, and to continually deny myself, pick up my cross, and follow Him.

Love,

Heathery

My name is Heather. I am a newly wed of almost 8 months! My husband’s name is Griffin, and he is a youth pastor at Harborside church. I work at Calvary Christian High School in the English department, coaching volleyball and soccer, and leading worship for the students every week for chapel.

My desire and want to start this blog is to talk/share/vent/discuss everything that I am experiencing with being a young women in ministry, finding my place, my dreams, my passions, my responsibilities, my role as a youth pastor’s wife.  There are so many thoughts you have as a wife going into ministry. So many ideas and assumptions of what it is going to be like, how awesome it is going to be, how tiring it will be…but you just never know until you are in it.

So I am going to write and share everything that I experience good,bad, ugly, amazing. Brutal honesty, true thoughts, feelings, and prayers. The Lord has already revealed to me so much about my place in ministry with Griffin and my place in my life right now as a whole. It has been an amazing start of our journey and I cannot wait to see where the Lord takes us next.

I pray that this blog is an encouragement to so many women, and that you find hope and you find the amazing Love of our Heavenly Father through my words that He has so graciously given me.

With Love,

Heathery